How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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