My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
