i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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