It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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