Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
he's gonorrhea incarnate
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
