I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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