Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just googled if crying burns calories
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
