Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
