drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
