This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
