Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
