I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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