This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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