I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
