Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
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