I think I won the penis lottery.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
