dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
