I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
