While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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