What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
