she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It's official drugs can't kill me
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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