just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
worst night to have a conscience
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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