i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
