I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You are a genius and a whore.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
