dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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