I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
two words...techno handjob
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
