god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
