found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
