My brain says no but my pants say off.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
