I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
