i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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