if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
