just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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