No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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