sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
you had me at cake vodka
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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