woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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