That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
