I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
