I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize