it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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