my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
