Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
