As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
