That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
