There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I have already put on my inside pants.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
