my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
