It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
