I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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