All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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