i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
