I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
