i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
