That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
