you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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