she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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