apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
We are all done wearing pants today
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize