I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize