I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
