I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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