I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
