why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
This house was built for laser tag.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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