She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
