there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
